


Definitely Not a Mate Thing

by kaalee



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Action/Adventure, Comedy, Friendship, Hogwarts Era, The Quidditch Pitch: From Diagon Alley to Hogwarts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-03-02
Updated: 2008-03-02
Packaged: 2018-10-26 15:05:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10789119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaalee/pseuds/kaalee
Summary: What happens in the dorm when the boys need to determine if an uncircumcised penis feels the same as one that is circumcised...





	Definitely Not a Mate Thing

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Annie, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Quidditch Pitch](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Quidditch_Pitch), which went offline in 2015 when the hosting expired, at a time I was not able to renew it. I contacted Open Doors, hoping to preserve the archive using an old backup, and began importing these works as an Open Doors-approved project in April 2017. Open Doors e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Quidditch Pitch collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thequidditchpitch/profile).
> 
>  **Author's notes:** This is totally [](http://shocolate.livejournal.com/profile)[**shocolate**](http://shocolate.livejournal.com/)'s fault. I'd known nothing about the _[Holy Foreskin](http://community.livejournal.com/hp_funnyfest/21017.html)_ fest until she posted [a story](http://shocfix.insanejournal.com/186171.html) that referred to it. Then, of course, a stupid idea popped into my head and I wrote some of it one night. There was wine. The next morning I decided that in spite of the silly, I should finish it anyway. And there is a little shout-out to her in there as well. So, here you have it, folks, an absolutely silly story with no socially redeeming value. And, um, foreskin.

**Definitely Not a Mate Thing** **  
Seamus, Dean, Harry, Ron, Neville (hints of slashiness), rated light R, ~1500 words**

  
  


8====>

  
  
  
Seamus had never understood the point of walking around with a towel on. "Me arse is already dry," he always said, "so why be puttin' the towel there, then?"   
  
Seamus always just walked out of the loo, toweling off his hair. That's what needed the attention, really, none of his other parts were all that wet.  
  
Neville and Harry still wore their bathrobes, even after years living together. Ron and Dean wore a towel, but Seamus had never seen the point. Eventually, everyone just seemed to ignore Seamus's nakedness.  
  
Well.  
  
That is, until the whole cock discussion came up.  
  
Everything had been just fine until early on a Saturday evening when Ron got his hand on Lavender's left tit (the larger of the two) and she'd stuck her hand down his trousers ("she touched my skin, hair, and everything, mates, seriously. I nearly shot off right there, I swear it," Ron told them). But Lavender had rubbed over his cock twice before opening her eyes in horror, pulling her hand out, and rushing out of the broom closet without another word.  
  
"So, what do you think it was, then?"  
  
It was early enough on a Saturday night that the rest of them were still in their room in Gryffindor tower. Seamus's hair was mostly dry, so he had the towel around his neck while he thought about Ron's predicament and what might cause such behaviour.  
  
"Were your balls squashed up all next to it, then? Maybe she thought you had some weird growth."  
  
"You think maybe she hasn't touched foreskin?" Harry said. "It can be a bit... hangy."  
  
"Foreskin? All blokes got it, though. That wouldn't be a reason to-"  
  
"Seamus is cut." Dean said.  
  
"How do _you_ know that, Thomas?" Ron asked incredulously.  
  
"Um," Dean hedged, "we're... um, we're mates. Mates know those things."  
  
"They don't!" Ron sputtered.  
  
Seamus turned to Dean. "Dean Thomas. Ain't no one here in this room that knows a thing about what your cock is like. That definitely ain't a mate thi-"  
  
"Well, it's not like you don't walk around with yours hanging out all the time!"  
  
"Dean has a point," Neville said. "I reckon we've all seen your cock more than we've seen our own."   
  
"And Lavender did touch it. You told us that story a lot more often than it really deserved," Harry added.  
  
"All I'm saying," Dean said with dignity, "is that if Lavender's been touching a lot of cocks, maybe she feels a difference between those with foreskins and those without."  
  
They all looked at Dean for a long moment, then burst out laughing.  
  
"Can you imagine," Seamus said, choking with laughter, "Lavender. Walking around, shovin' her hands into lad's trousers and then pulling 'er hand out and making notes about how they feel."  
  
"That would be the only way to tell if there really was a difference," Neville said thoughtfully.  
  
"What?"  
  
"To touch them. Then you'd know for sure."  
  
"Neville's got a point," Harry said, biting his lip. "Ron, you've got to check if Seamus's cock feels any different than yours. Then you'll know."  
  
Seamus grinned widely. "I've already got it out for yeh and everything, mate." He put his hands behind his head and leered suggestively.  
  
"M'not-" Ron stammered.  
  
"You know," Neville said, "that wouldn't work, though, because Ron's been touching his own cock for so long that anything is going to feel different. It needs to be an unbiased observer. Dean, you-"  
  
"I'm not touching anyone's cock," Dean said immediately.  
  
"I'll do it," Harry volunteered. "Then you can both say you were felt up by the 'Boy Who Lived.'"  
  
"Trust me," Seamus said. "That ain't going in me autobiography."  
  
"Are you really sure you want to do this?" Dean asked, fidgeting.  
  
"Don't worry, Thomas," Seamus said. "I'll let you touch me later, after everyone's asleep."  
  
"In your dreams, Finnigan."  
  
"Every night."  
  
"I don't think I want anyone grabbing my cock," Ron hesitated.  
  
"It doesn't make you gay," Seamus said. "It's just research. A comparison. Like we learn about in Herbology."  
  
"Even Hermione would say that," Neville added helpfully.  
  
"You're _not_ telling Hermione about this!"  
  
Dean looked between Ron and Seamus and then at the door. "What if someone comes in?"  
  
"Lock the door, then," Seamus said. "We'll hear if someone uses _Alohamora_ and then Ron can pull his trousers back up."  
  
"What about you?"  
  
"I just got out of the shower," Seamus said, holding up the towel.  
  
Dean rolled his eyes, then went to lock the door.  
  
So Ron unfastened his trousers, lowering them to mid-thigh, and Harry stepped between Ron and Seamus. He winked at Neville, then started to reach out with both of his hands and paused.  
  
"This is rather strange, even for us."  
  
"Just get on with it," Ron said through gritted teeth.  
  
"Wow, Ron," Harry said, looking down, "you really do have a lot of foreskin. I'll bet you could fit a whole-"  
  
"Harry!"  
  
"Sorry."   
  
Harry smiled sheepishly and got back to it. He gingerly took both cocks in hand and squeezed. Seamus stifled a laugh and Ron just looked up at the ceiling.  
  
"Wait," Neville said, "were you hard, though? When she touched you?"  
  
Ron looked at Neville in exasperation. "What do _you_ think?"  
  
"Course he was hard," Seamus said with a grin. "When you've got someone's hand on you, I reckon it's 'bout near impossible not to be."  
  
"Um, guys?" Harry looked down at the cocks in his hands.  
  
"This is insane," Dean said.  
  
"You wanna get your paints," Seamus winked, "just for posterity?"  
  
Meanwhile, Harry let go of both cocks, but they both stayed nearly in place, bobbing around as though they were interested in joining the conversation.  
  
"I'm not painting anything!" Dean said indignantly.  
  
"I just thought you might-"  
  
"Guys!"  
  
They all looked down at the two cocks jutting out from between Ron's and Seamus's legs.  
  
"Um."  
  
A long pause filled the room, and all five boys shifted uncomfortably. Oddly, neither erection waned in the slightest, instead stood proudly away from it's owner's body as if waiting for the decision.  
  
"Well, it's probably a better way to judge, after all."  
  
"I'm not grabbing either of you when you're hard," Harry said finally.  
  
"Oh, bloody hell," Dean said in exasperation. He stood up and walked between Seamus and Ron, then reached out and grabbed both cocks, one in each hand. Looking straight ahead, Dean squeezed each one, then rubbed across the heads with his palm, then with his thumb.  
  
Ron blushed and looked away, but Seamus watched Dean, his expression guarded but curious.  
  
Finally, Dean dropped his hands.  
  
"Ron's a bit thicker, but Seamus is stiffer and, I reckon, a bit longer. Can't tell a whit of difference between the one that's cut and the one that's not."  
  
Another pause fell between them all.  
  
"So, you mean we just did all that and we still don't know any more than what we knew when Ron first came in?" Harry asked.  
  
"Right."  
  
"Well, at least we know that it's not the foreskin thing that had Lavender acting all odd about Ron's cock," Neville added helpfully.  
  
"Great," Ron said.  
  
"Maybe you could ask her."  
  
"Ask her?" Ron echoed, horrified. "I'm not going to ask her!"  
  
"Well, I'm sure it's nothing. Anyway," Neville turned to Seamus. "So why are you cut? Is it an Irish thing?"  
  
"Nah," Seamus said. "Me da's intact and all of the uncles and cousins. Was some medical thing or other when I was a baby. I reckon it makes me interesting."  
  
"Right," Ron said. " _That_ is what makes you interesting."  
  
They all laughed.  
  
"C'mon," Seamus said, reaching into his trunk for a pair of trousers and pulling them on haphazardly. "I've got about a half-bottle of whiskey left and if none of us are getting' any pull, I reckon we ought to make our own fun."  
  
He handed Harry the whiskey, then fumbled through a pile of clothes on the floor, sniffing them until one met his approval then pulled it over his head.  
  
Seamus, Neville, and Harry walked out the door, Harry hiding Seamus's bottle under his jumper. Dean watched them go, then looked around on the floor for a pair of shoes. When he finally stood up, he saw Ron waiting for him in the doorway.  
  
"It didn't mean anything," Ron said quietly. "We all know that."  
  
Dean paused for a minute, then grinned. "Yeah, I know. C'mon, I'll race you to the common room."  
  
"You're on."  
  
  


8====>

  
  
  
  
The next morning, with the morning light reflecting low as it streamed through the window, Dean swallowed hard when Seamus walked out of the loo toweling his hair. Seamus paused for a moment, walked toward Dean, and almost opened his mouth to say something. But he saw Dean shift uncomfortably, glancing toward Neville and Ron moving blearily around the room.  
  
Seamus smiled to himself, then pulled his towel around his waist and walked toward his trunk for some clothes. Maybe one day... one day when the others weren't there...   
  
He would find out exactly why Dean was really looking.  
  
  


8====>

  
  
  
~thank you so much for reading! ♥   
  
hahahahaa, also, I wonder: why is it that Ron & Seamus are always the one that get their cocks involved in the festivities? Perhaps Neville & Harry & Dean might be feeling left out?


End file.
